Batmeki
by Becca the fiend
Summary: Doumeki as everyone's favorite vigilante, Batman! And his trust sidekick, Robin!  /Watanuki.  Cracky hijinks ensue. Rated for slight language. Implied male/male relationships. Not meant to be serious. De-anon from CLAMPkink meme on LJ.


**Written for the CLAMPKink anon meme on Livejournal.**

**Prompt:"**Doumeki is Batman."

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As a child, Shizuka Doumeki had always had a remarkably active imagination. However, because of his stoic nature, most people didn't realize it, unless they were very, very close to him.

It was due to this bizarre trait that he, on the day his parents died, decided to become a heroic vigilante fighting against crime in Japan. And, because just putting the evil in jail didn't seem to work, the 10-year-old Shizuka decided that scaring the criminals into submission seemed to be the greatest idea.

In the end, dressing up as a bat seemed to be the best option, since people alone weren't scary, and people acting like animals, like werewolves and stuff, was always in horror movies. And bats were some of the scariest animals out there. They could fly around in the dark without being seen, and they could turn into vampires (which was pretty cool to a young boy). Plus, dressing up in a bear costume wouldn't be quite as frightening, and a snake would just be impractical. So bats obviously were the way to go.

He decided he'd call himself "Batman."

Of course, Shizuka had envisioned having a warehouse full of various weapons and gadgets a regular person without super-powers would need to fight crime. And every last one of the weapons was just as badass as the one before it. And Shizuka, being the primary crime fighter, would drive a sleek, dark car that resembled many found in American action movies. And it, too, would be badass.

However, Shizuka was the son of a priest, and his family was not quite rich enough to really afford the badassery the young boy had seen in his mind. The costume, as well, could not really be indestrucable, even, since things like that also cost far more than the boy had at his disposal.

He was not to be daunted, however, and, as the years passed, he trained endlessly in archery and a bit of martial arts, so that when the time came, he could suit up and fight the adults with an awesome amount of skill. And then he could beat them like a badass, even without fancy weapons.

Once he was 18, Doumeki finally decided he was ready to fight for justice, and he set about finding his disguise. Since, of course, he was not filthy rich, he had to forgo much of the bullet-proof armor he had planned, and made do with a gray body suit, emblazoned with a stylized bat, a set of black sheets for a cape, and a pair of black briefs to go over his body suit, because all good superheroes had to have their underwear on the outside of their suit. (That and the body suit showed off a bit more of his "family jewels" than he liked, and the outer-underwear offered more coverage.)

He soon realized, however, that he would need a sidekick, and recruited his high school friend, and current boyfriend, Kimihiro Watanuki, for the role. Of course, the other teen had reacted quite badly to this at first, but eventually agreed to do it, saying something like; "just so I can watch you get your ass handed to you, you jerk."

Though, Watanuki had been even more reluctant to accept his crime-fighting costume, which was brightly colored in red, green, and yellow, and had a small "R" on the chest. (This stood for Robin, because Watanuki was more like a bird than anything else.) Doumeki couldn't understand why, though. Personally, he had thought the bright green short-shorts and lack of any other leg covering had been a nice touch, but sometimes his lover was such a prude.

To protect their identities, Doumeki had also created masks for them. His was black, and covered most of his head, leaving a space for his jaw, and cut-outs for his eyes, and had bat-like ears on top. Watanuki's was simple, just a black mask to cover the area around the eyes, though the boy, who usually wore glasses, was required to wear contacts whilst acting as "Robin."

And, of course, for transportation, the dynamic duo had a black classic convertible, customized with a red bat logo on the doors, and red stripes down the side. Doumeki thought it was awesome, and fondly called it the "Batmobile." Watanuki usually just called it "tacky," and was fond of giving the poor thing death glares. Doumeki ignored this, as per usual. Watanuki was a strange, strange man, and Doumeki couldn't help if his comrade couldn't understand the necessity of a crime-fighting vehicle.

The world seemed to side with Watanuki, though, more often than not. The police never called the bat-phone to tell Doumeki of crimes going on in the city. Apparently, they didn't need help from "freaks in capes."

Still, Shizuka was not deterred, and, eventually, "Batman" and "Robin" gained themselves and arch nemesis – the "Witch of Dimensions." She also tended to go by "Yuuko Ichihara," but Doumeki knew this woman used that as an alias, too. Apparently, she was the only person in the world awesome enough to challenge him and his partner, and she usually dressed up quite provocatively to do so.

She had a penchant for getting drunk and causing a ruckus and the cops, tired of Doumeki's persistence in trying to help with crime-fighting, finally let him take care of her, since they really didn't give a shit about some crazy drunk lady telling them that everything was "hitsuzen." They had better things to do, thank you very much. That and she was just as batshit insane as "Batman" himself. (No pun intended.)

Besides getting drunk, she summoned bizarre "spirits," that none could see nor feel, save for Batman, and his not-so-trusty sidekick, Robin. Of course, poor Robin (who liked to believe he was sane, thank you very much) was the only one able to _isee/i_ the creatures at all, aside from Yuuko herself. Batman cod only feel them, and kill them, since he had lived in a shrine, and apparently had an extremely pure "aura," or something.

These "spirits" caused minor damage whenever The Witch of Dimensions appeared, so the police found themselves reluctantly relying on "Batman" and "Robin" to hinder the woman, though no one could ever quite catch her.

Sometimes, no one could tell for sure if Yuuko had appeared, though some damage had been dealt inexplicably. In these cases, the police force allowed Doumeki to gather clues and deal with it on his own, while they tended to more important things, like national security and drug dealers and such.

On one such occasion, Doumeki had not even bothered visiting the scene of the crime before deciding it was Yuuko, and hopped in the Batmobile to find her and take her down.

"Don't we need clues?" Watanuki had asked reluctant to leave in his costume.

"No, we don't need clothes," Doumeki had answered, mishearing his companion.

"I said CLUES, you pervert!" Watanuki had screeched, flailing as he climbed in the car.

"Oh. We don't need those, either."

All in all, Doumeki quite enjoyed his life as a vigilante crime-fighter. He thought it was noble, and selfless of him to save the people from the spirit menace. (And to save his spirit-bait boyfriend from the beings that affected him so negatively was also a plus.) Watanuki, when told this, glared at him, and called him a weirdo. Doumeki had shrugged. Some people would never understand.

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**AN: **-peeks in- Heyy. this is my sign that I am not actually dead. Just.. trying to suffer through my last year of high school, (1 semester to go!) which includes a bunch of AP classes, and a new-found social life. And you know, the usual lack of sleep. Which kind of drains my creativity. Go figure. Haha. But I've been on break, and you know, I am quite fond of any opportunity to write crack...

In any case, here is Batman!Doumeki in all his crack-ish glory. He's modeled mainly after the cheesy, 1960s TV version, with a bit of a homage to the recent Christian Bale version of Batman. And the dialogue is based on something my friends and I thought we heard on an old episode of Batman. The actual dialogue was about clues, but it sounded much different. Haha. And yes, Doumeki and Watanuki regularly have sex in the Batmobile. Because in my mind, Doumeki is secretly a pervert. xD

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to tell me your thoughts! And also, Happy New Year! :D


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